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There is a pain deep with my body that runs along the nerves in a white hot path. It quivers and hums. Some days, it hums and vibrates louder and more insistently, making me feel electric. It also gives me the urge to drive a knife into my leg to stop the pain that sets my teeth on edge.
I can remember the vibrations from the very beginning of my life. There were times when they seemed to go away and leave me at peace. At other times, they were active and the restlessness drove me to alcohol or drugs to suppress the pain within my core. I learned early that sex did not help. It evidently did not release the right chemicals in the brain or required too much work to get to the point where I could reach those chemicals. Pouring a drink or taking a pill seemed a sure thing.
Alcohol and cigarettes attracted me first, especially the cigarettes. I smoked to calm myself during the difficult classes at the university. This was back in the ‘70s when one could smoke during class. Everyone smoked, including the professors. I was an art student at first, before the intensity drove me into the science department.
For a time, the tobacco calmed my singing wires and gave my head a brief relief. It soon, however, caused problems with migraines.
I drank for awhile, but stopped when I realized alcohol also triggered the migraines. I tried marijuana for a short time, but gave that up, too, because pot increased my ability to feel sensations, and that’s not a good thing when pain is the predominate sensation.
The singing continued and I used other things to deal with my issues, such as aggressive house cleaning, drawing and exercise such as yoga. I even tried running.
I threw myself into work and child rearing. There would be times when I would be sitting in a business meeting or in church, lying in bed or simply walking with my kids in the mall and the singing pain in my body would be unbearable. I had no clue to its source. I knew so little about this that I didn’t even recognize that it was a separate pain.
All I knew was that I felt bad and nothing stopped the electricity from singing madly throughout my body.
Over time, the migraines and the singing wore me down.