complex partial seizures, depression, drug resistant epilepsy, epilepsy symptoms, living with temporal lobe epilepsy, living with TLE, nerve pain, seizure triggers, temporal lobe, temporal lobe epilepsy, temporal lobe seizures, TLE
Today was one of those days when everything seemed to be going sideways.
I started the day with good intentions, but everything I touched broke, metaphorically speaking.
Last week, everything I “physically” touched broke, like the disposal, which tossed a piece of metal at me in its last throws of life.
I should have noticed that things were getting somewhat better today. But I didn’t, and I bitterly complained on the phone to my husband about the problems I had encountered all morning.
“You are like a pickup truck stuck in a muddy hole,” he said. He pointed out that I raced the engine and spun the wheels, getting more and more frustrated, but not making any progress.
I thought about what he was saying. I did feel like that truck. I could imagine the sound of the spinning tires and the straining of the engine as I tried to move out of the hole. And then it got out, only for about five minutes before it hit another mud hole and got stuck again.
Managing seizures seems to be a lot like driving that truck. I fight and strain against the problems, both physical and emotional, seemingly going nowhere. Then all of a sudden I will buck in the air and move out of the mud hole, bumping along on a dry, flat road for a while.
This is when I begin to doubt that I have seizures.
Yes, we have been through that wild phenomenon in this blog before. There is a sense of disbelief that I have temporal lobe epilepsy and have experienced all the things that I obviously have experienced. I feel quite normal mentally and physically. I have come to believe this magical thinking is actually, you guessed it, part of the seizure cycle.
It is the last bit of dry, flat road before I hit another mud hole.
Why spin the tires? Why push the truck to the limits? Why try? Because the urge to survive, to get past the problem, to figure out the one thing that helps or, better yet, will take it all away are so woven into my personality that I don’t think I could stop even if I thought I should.
So, to all you trucks out there stuck in the mud, this one’s for you.